Saturday April 19th
The playground in the park was busy, a result of the fine weather and an increase in popularity that had followed the recent council refurbishment. Sammy loved it here and for Claire it was a welcome respite. They’d been cooped up out of the rain too much these last few weeks. A three-year-old needed exercise, fresh air. Me too, thought Claire. Time was she and Clive would go off every weekend walking the Pennine Way or the Derbyshire Peaks. But once Sammy was born it didn’t seem possible for them all to go. Claire knew some parents used backpacks and lugged their kids up hill and down dale but she and Clive had never really got into the habit. So today Clive had gone off on his own.
Claire waited while Sammy climbed the steps up to the top of the slide then she walked round to meet him, scooping him up as he shot off the end. She set him down and followed him back as he trotted to the steps. One o’clock, mid April and it was actually warm. Claire called after him, ‘Sammy, come here. Let’s take your top off.’ He jiggled on the spot eager to be playing as she unzipped the fleece and pulled it off him.
Up the steps he went and stood patiently on the top while the child ahead of him was coaxed down by her father. Claire took her place at the foot of the slide and Sammy slid down, stopping with a jolt near the end. His hands flew up to stop his glasses flying off. ‘Whoops!’ Claire said with a laugh, reassuring him that he’d no need to get upset.
She didn’t mind Clive taking time out. Walking was a way for him to de-stress after the grind of the week’s work and although they could have arranged a babysitter so she could accompany him, she preferred to save sitters for those precious evenings out, dinner with friends or a party. Clive had picked a glorious day for it, not a cloud in the sky, a slight breeze.
Sammy reached the top again, checked she was there and launched himself off. He’d learnt to lift his shoes off the surface so the friction wouldn’t slow him down. He laughed with delight as he slid down and she felt a rush of love for him. She glanced at his nose, looking for any redness. She had put sunscreen on at the house; he was so very fair skinned she had to be extra careful. With his curly blonde hair he looked so sweet; sometimes he got mistaken for a girl. Claire wondered whether to suggest he try the swings or the climbing frame though she knew the slide was his favourite. He ran back.
There was a sudden blur of movement at her side and a shriek. Claire turned in time to see a little girl on the floor. She’d skinned her chin and was wailing, face red and contorted. Claire bent to help, lifting the child upright, murmuring words of comfort and scanning the crowd for the accompanying adult. Sure enough a man with an expression part humour, part dismay hoved into view, thanked Claire and lifted up the girl who threw her arms around his neck and bawled even louder.
Claire glanced over to the steps, looking for Sammy, blonde curls, chunky children’s glasses, the distinctive red shoes. Claire’s heart began to tighten as she realised he was not on the steps. She moved quickly to the front of the slide where a plump boy in an infant Manchester United football strip clung to the top resisting exhortations to let go. Claire felt her heart kick and tug wildly as she whirled around, her eyes racing over the grass to the swings, to the roundabout and the climbing frame and back to the slide. A plea screamed in her head already, please, please let him be here. She began to call his name, increasingly frantic until other parents heard the rill of fear in her voice, saw the naked terror in her face and offered help. Claire described her son, words tumbling like stones, as her eyes darted around the park. She felt sick with nausea and her limbs, her neck and scalp were slick with sweat.
She climbed up on top of the wooden boat, the highest vantage point and scanned the playground again, shielding the glare from her eyes, calling all the while, ‘Sammy, Sammy.’ The atmosphere had changed, parents drew their children closer, some of them were looking in the shrubs that edged the area. Children stared up at her curiously; the weird lady shouting.
Heart thumping hard in her chest, she scoured the area, anticipating a glimpse of him: blonde hair, dinosaur T-shirt, the wonderful release and relief as she saw he was there, fine, unharmed, that all was right with the world.
Nothing.
Could he have gone home? Only a couple of hundred yards. He knew the way. She scrambled down. Should check the rest of the park first. She ran round the park twice more, trying to be systematic, but it was hard when the place was so crowded.
‘Sammy,’ she screamed, her voice becoming hoarse, ‘Sammy, Sammy.’ A tiny part of her brain observed all this almost dispassionately, hoping it was just a false alarm, that it would become an anecdote, a tale to offer at dinner parties and toddler group, self-deprecating, making out that she had been neurotic – her first child, an overreaction – imagining happy punch lines, he was by the bench all the time, he was playing hide and seek. But it was her body that knew the truth, not her brain, her body that was already turning from the park and sprinting towards their house, her body that was flooding her with adrenalin, that was spiking her blood pressure and making her mouth flood with saliva. Because whatever excuses her mind tried to present, her body knew.
