Wedding Bell Blues - [46]

widow in mourning — I understand that. I guess what I’m trying to say is...if you ever decide you’reready, then I’m ready, too.”

Lily’s head felt as if it might explode from being so full of fear and sadness and confusion. Shehadn’t even been allowed a decent period of mourning before she had to worry about losing her daughter.

Then there were the numerous pressures of maintaining a fake marriage, the hearing that was coming upsooner than she liked to think about, and now this. “Jack, I can’t even think about this right now. I stilllove Charlotte—”

“And you always will. I understand that. But I don’t think Charlotte would want you to spend therest of your life alone ... to bury yourself right along with her. Once the hearing is over, Lily, you’re gonnahave to take a little of the time you’ve been using to think about Mimi’s needs and think about your own.”

Lily choked back a sob. “Once the hearing is over, I might not have my daughter.”

“That’s true. But even if you don’t, you don’t have to be all alone.”

“Well, thank you for saying that. You’re—”

“A good friend? I know. And if that’s all I can be now, I accept that. I just had to let you know,Lily. I had to tell you because the other mornin’, when I woke up knowing you were in my house ... thehouse was a lot happier place because you were in it.”

Lily’s emotions were scattered all over the place. She felt simultaneously trapped, terrified, andtouched.

Jack rose from the couch. “I know you’re not in a position to make any promises, Lily. I justwanted to say my piece, and I reckon I’ve said it.”

“Yeah, I guess you have.”

“There’s just one more thing, though. I wanna make sure this isn’t my imagination. When our eyesmeet, when you look at me...there’s somethin’ there, isn’t there?”

Lily thought of the first time she saw Jack — the moment she realized Jack was a woman. Shethought of Jack’s hands working to heal a wounded animal, of Jack rolling on the floor playing withMimi. As much as she’d like to, there was no denying it. “Yeah,” she said, avoiding eye contact. “There’ssomething there.”

Jack flashed a wide grin. “I didn’t think it was my imagination. I guess that was all I really wantedto know.” She headed toward the door. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I’ll go now.”

Lily knew that Jack wanted her to tell her to stay. But Lily was ready for Jack to leave. She hadreached emotional overload, and all she could think about was curling up in a fetal ball in the womb ofher bed. “Good night, Jack.”

“Good night.”

In her bed, Lily cried because Charlotte had died before Lily had finished loving her. She criedbecause she knew that if Charlotte had died at the age of eighty, she still would have died before Lily hadfinished loving her. She cried because of the choice that lay before her: to stay married to a memory, or tomove on.

Rationally, Lily knew that Jack had a point — that Charlotte would have wanted Lily’s life to goon. But the problem was that Lily wasn’t sure she wanted her life to go on. Life seemed like a dangerouscontact sport, full of opportunities for loss and injury, with victory being only the dimmest of possibilities.

Right now, Lily wasn’t sure she even felt like being a spectator of such a sport, let alone a player.

CHAPTER 16

Lily rarely drank beer before noon. As a matter of fact, this was probably the first time she’ddrunk a beer before two P.M. in her life. But today was a special occasion — in the same sense that theday you’re scheduled to get a much-dreaded pap smear is a special occasion.

The hearing was two weeks from today, and yesterday she, Ben, and Buzz Dobson had sat downto plan their strategy. Buzz, once again, had turned his meager thoughts to the subject of Lily’s

“I was thinking, Lily,” he’d said, biting into a sloppy hamburger that squirted ketchup all over hisshirt. “It’d probably be a good idea to go ahead and pay some attention to your appearance. Get a nicehairdo, buy yourself two or three pretty dresses, go around for a couple weeks before the triallooking...looking—”

“Normal?” Lily had offered helpfully.

“Well, I wasn’t gonna put it that way, but yeah. You know, just let people see you out with Mimi atthe playground, at church maybe, looking the way people around here expect a young mother to look.”

So yesterday afternoon Lily had grudgingly called Sheila and asked what beauty shop she andTracee would recommend. If any women embodied “the way people around here expect a young motherto look,” they were Sheila and Tracee.

Sheila had been hysterical with joy at Lily’s call, sure, Lily thought, that the Faulkner Countychapter of the Stepford Wives had just recruited a new member. “Ooh, me and Tracee already have anappointment over at the Chatterbox for tomorrow at eleven-thirty,” she’d squealed. “I’m sure theywouldn’t mind if you tagged along. Oh, it’ll be so much fun! We can get our hair done and get facials, andyou can even get a Mary Kay makeover if you want. Me and Tracee won’t, though, ’cause we don’t needa makeover. And I heard they got some new dresses over at the La-Di-Da. Maybe we could walk over