Рыбалка в Пронькино - [55]

— Ok, great! Then the first thing you guys need to learn is, how to jerk off. You see, my admiral never does it, and that's a big problem. If you could talk him into it and explain real well that masturbating regularly is good for his health, it would be just priceless!

— You know what… Honestly, I don't give a shit about jerking off. How can I convince a white man to jerk off if I don't enjoy it myself. I mean, when I was serving time in prison I had to jerk off from time to time, just to get some relief, and that's it. But jerking off recreationally while there's so many young hot women around? Man… that's definitely not my thing! I'd rather screw me a woman!

— We'll get to it. But you have to listen first.

— Okay, I am listening.

— I'm sure you have not even snooped into admiral's personal file, so I'm telling you now that admiral Sherman is a widower. He lost his wife to cancer right before the MBC unleashed the Burning Fever on Earth. She was nearly the last person on this planet who had the luxury to die of natural causes.

— What is MBC?

— MBC stands for «the Man Behind the Curtain' or «the Mastermind of the Big Catastrophe». That's the code name that NDRC gave to someone or something that is organizing those global attacks against the human race. Something that we still have to find out.

— What's NDRC?

— National Defense Research Commitee. It was created by FDR in 1940 with the objective to research anything new that could be turned into weaponry. The agency was terminated in 1947.

— What's FDR?

— Tell you what, Bubba, you're fixing to get on my nerves! It's Franklin Delano fucking Roosevelt, you dumbass! The Manhatten Project… Rings the bell? If it does not, I'll kick your dumb black ass out of this high ranked multiply decorated white body and never regret!

— C'mon, Tecumseh, chill out! Of course I know what the Manhatten Project is. I also know who FDR was. I was just pullin' your leg, eh?

— Fuck you! So you also know that the Manhatten Project had started under NDRC?

— I didn't know that.

— That's Okay. NDRC was brought back from the dead by the Defense Ministry when the first contactee appeared. The very existence of those contactees was implying that these global attacks have been organized by some intellectual force. The NDRC's primary objective is to find and neutralize this force. And guess what? The acting chair of NDRC is admiral William Tecumseh Sherman! A tough ol' boy who's still mourning his precious wife so much that he can't even masturbate.

— Why does he have to masturbate?

— Because without a proper sexual relief a man's brain cannot properly work! His brain keeps stalling! He needs to come back to life. It's vital for him, for NDRC and it's mission and the whole fucking humankind.

— What's gonna change if he starts jerking off?

— Then he'll have a physical reason to start looking for a new woman for himself, so that he could get all love and support he needs.

— A physical reason?

— Yes, the ability to fuck that woman, captain Obvious, a fucking boner!

— Can he first find the right woman and become like, friends first and evolve their relationship from there? Once they have a proper emotional connection it will help to establish their sex routine, I guess.

— Oh, man! Now you sound like a politically correct brainwashed old ugly feminist bitch on a cheap dating site who really wants to get fucked but she can't afford to lose her so called, um… dignity! Lemme ask you this: can you build a roof before building a foundation?

— Stupid question. Of course, not!

— Same thing! A strong physical attraction and good sex is the foundation! You can't tell for sure if a woman is right for you until you fucked her a couple of times. Admiral Sherman will never start hunting for a woman if he's not confident about his hardware. That's why he needs to restore his ability to produce a decent boner and shit!

— So that he knew he won't embarrass himself and US Navy in front of his new girlfriend?

— Exactemundo! Now you're talking. See now, and jerking off is just the first step! Are you with me, bro?

— Yes I am… but I kinda… Fuck! This matter is so um… delicate! I'm not really sure if I am up to the job. Let me sleep with this thought so that I could make up my mind.

— Хули ты сопли жуёшь, шпион американский? — неожиданно услышал Дуэйн хорошо знакомый голос Женьки Мякишева. — Предлагают тебе поработать адмиральским хуем — соглашайся! Я тут подключил Толяна, и он сказал что это идеальное прикрытие для сбора информации. А с открытым забралом чего-то узнать — без мазы.

— C открытым чего? Ебалом? — не понял Дуэйн, огорошенный внезапным вторжением озёрного крёстного отца в столь интимную беседу.

— Вот именно, ебалом. Щёлкать, блять… Кончай вафли ловить, капрал, быстро говори йес! We'll sort out the details later. Over and out!

— Okay, Tecumseh. I agree. — Если бы Дуэйн был в своём собственном теле, он бы глубоко вздохнул.

— Awesome! — обрадовалась адмиральская душа. — I don't know how to thank you! You're a scholar, diplomat, statesman, and all-round nice guy!